the latest news.......

Everybody likes to keep in touch with what's going on in the world - so here are the very latest news stories.....

July 3rd 2007

Scientists were left completely baffled yesterday when the European nation of Belgium completely disappeared. After many hours of discussion, it was uncovered that a small pigeon had flown too close to some clay buildings somewhere in Chad, thus resulting in this unfortunate disappearance. Once the pigeon had been advised to keep a minimum distance of 12 meters between it and the buildings, Belgium reappeared, and everything was restored back to normal within a couple of hours.

The pigeon, believed to be called Malcolm, has since issued a formal apology.

June 19th 2007

Theatre goers in Stratford-Upon-Avon were amazed yesterday when they were introduced to the newest member of the Royal Shakespeare Company. For taking the lead role in this months production of The Merchant of Venice was a large slice of Battenburg.

"enter battenburg left"

The Battenburg, who was discovered at a local amateur theater group late last year, is now hoping to be scripted alongside Kate Winslet in Titanic II.

June 12th 2007

Acclaimed businessman and chef Paolo Lozenge has recently opened a "Chip Haven" here in the centre of Iceland. Based upon the traditional British fish and chip restaurant, the Chip Haven combines a warm and friendly service with high quality food to produce the ultimate in modern-day culinary experiences. At the Chip Haven everything seems normal. That is until we move into the kitchen and see Paolo's chef team in action. For in Paolo's kitchen, we find two Burmese swans, a large giraffe called Paul and a goat playing the 15th century harpsichord. Is this a sign of the times?, or is he just brilliant!?

June 7th 2007

23 year old Audrey Merton entered the record books yesterday when she finally achieved a lifelong ambition. After 13 hours of careful preparation, Audrey finally broke the world wasp taming record when she successfully trained a large group of wasps.

The wasps, over 75000 in total, were a little anxious at first during the 13 hour ordeal, but were soon seen relaxing minutes later in a nearby park playing a variety of different instruments including the saxaphone, triangle and the clarinet. Now fully tamed, Audrey now hopes to take herself and the wasps on a sell-out tour around Spain...